Well.
I have done it.
I have officaly fucked up.
I finally got caught.
Never thought it would happen to me.
Now here I am, wrapped in my own regret.
I am taking steps back when I am supposed to be taking steps forward.
Sadness.
Sadness.
Sadness.
Once again I find myself distracted by words and pictures. Before I even open my obnoxiously annoying garage door, I tell myself that I will only allow myself to be perplexed by the quotes and photographs from others for no more than ten minutes. But here I am, an hour and a half later, and I am diverting myself once again from my domestic duties.
My mind is rolling with ideas. It always is. But lately, there have been an abundant amount of thoughts. I feel like my mind could be of use to someone or something.
I love living in the “here and now.” I do a really great job at it. Sometimes it is a blessing and most of the time is it a curse. I easily loose sight of my responsibilites, and find myself looking ahead in the future and not seeing the succeful women I ought to be, but a car-less, minimum wage working, failure.
I need to use my time wasting ability in a positve way. The words that I admire inspire me. I should take that into thought and make myself a better person.
But now is now and at the moment I must do some laundry before it slowly engulfs my room and I will have to use a shovel to dig my way out.
On 4.20.2009
I saw the most beautiful thing. Two rainbows. Not just faint rainbows…but large, full arching, all the way to the ground rainbows. We were very excited and was pointing to the sky for like 20 minutes. Neighbors came out of their houses to see what all they hype was about. I don’t think they got it exept for the five year olds.
Then I saw two deer run off into the sunset. I kid you not. The shit you see out of a fucking coloring book.
Needless to say…it was a wonderful day.
I’m trying to stay with my one track mind. but its hard. I keep thinking of the past and how awful i feel.
hmmmm.
I’m sorry for what I what I did, for what I said, for what I didn’t do, for breaking the promises that you held on to so dearly, I’m sorry for not being the person you wanted me to be. I’m sorry for not caring enough, for not fighting hard enough, for saying goodbye too easily.
Two words can’t fix a million heartbreaks. I know that, you all know that. But why does “i’m sorry,” make us feel better? Maybe not to the ones receiving the loaded words, but to the ones handing them out. Guilt traps inside us and that’s the only way we can feel redeemed.
I’m officially heartless I think. I’ve had my heartbroken PLENTY of times and am guilty of inflicting the same pain on others. I see both sides of the spectrum. Both are ugly, sad, and just plain wrong. I don’t think I can ever be mad at someone for breaking my heart again, because I try to relate. I put myself in their shoes and try to think what I would do if I was them. It is not an easy thing to do because you get blinded by “love” and only want that one person to yourself. But what about their happiness? On the flip side there are just some things that are not worth understanding. Cheating on someone is just one situation I can not forgive or understand. But then again, I don’t think I can even HAVE my heart broken again. I have lost all affection I have toward anyone. I don’t know why, and I don’t know how. But the odd thing is, is that I am okay with it. I rather be at a neutral level than to be in love and worry all the time if that person still loves me or is going to break my heart. And when they finally do drop the break up bomb, i won’t have to figure out how i will pick myself up again. A person can only do it so many times. Some might say I’m jaded. I just think I’m emotionally exhausted from it all.
I’m happy to say that I don’t need someone else in my life to make me happy. I need to focus on making myself happy first and when I achieve that, THEN i can go on and let someone sweep me off my feet. I don’t like how being in love someone puts all your emotions and your well being in that persons hand. It’s not fair and its not right. People are dicks, bitches, and just assholes. We are self pleasing creatures when it comes down to it, and most (not all) are willing to trample over people to achieve it.
But whatever its worth, whatever you take from it, and for whatever reason you think I’m doing all of this, I’m sorry. Genuinely and truly sorry.
